Everything is falling into place. The ever-connected universe is getting my attention, and I am listening. Before 2021 I was lost and unaware. I was living in this world with my soul mate somewhere else. One moment I thought that I was just soul searching and it was okay, the next moment, I believed that I had issues being alone and I needed attachment to keep going, so I kept holding myself back with my inhibitions that were thought to me by the standards of this dimension. I achieved everything this dimension considers an achievement I set my mind to, but it was not enough. Especially things with a monetary value were starting to mean less and less. My soul felt like I belonged to a time or place where you could hear the birds and feel the wind. These “accomplishments” were just my perception filter. I was trying to rationalize my longing for this mythical creature that didn’t exist. I was searching for the wide tall man with dark skin that kept emerging from the sea in my visions. I was having an existential crisis. Was it Hollywood that made me fall in love with the idea of love and connection, or was it real? Was I wearing my heart on my sleeve? Did I need to be enough for myself and identify and sort through my problems? I was convinced it was it then. I probably had heightened emotions, and I was reading into the signs that weren’t even there. I was probably making it all up with the power of thinking and delusion. The doubt in what is real and what is not came crippling to me.
I met him. I had known him for months but didn’t like him. He pursued me first. I gave it a go. We were having an intense sexual relationship at first. But it was that. Hell broke loose when I really saw him for, he who he was. Under the cleansing purity of the water, he emerged one day in the shower. He looked at me and said, “Water is my element.” Wait what? Was he the mythical creature in my vision? Why does he feel so familiar? Are we the two parts of Gemini? Was it a coincidence that we were both Gemini? He was just like me. I could see it. He could see it. But we couldn’t believe it. The fact that he was my Karmic partner from a timeless dimension was obvious. I researched blogs and websites where people share their deep spirituality and saw consistent reports of these individuals that matched my story. It got deep and scary quickly. There is no science or proof of these things. Therefore, something so abstract yet real was confusing and hard to agree with. Then I investigated what karmic relationships are. I discovered there are soul mates, twin flames, and karmic mates. We were not having issues in connection or bonding; we were on the same level of frequency in our souls without being able to communicate it. I was quickly convinced that if these karmic mates existed, he had to be the one that is a karmic partner. According to the consensus I have gathered, a karmic partner isn’t for life. He or she is someone that you have had transgressions against each other or had an unfinished relationship from another life that needs closure as all 3 karmic partners ignite the chain of events that help us understand our past and walk of life. They bring the best and worst out of each other. You both are the key to unlocking each other. But a karmic partner is like a temporary talisman.
About 6 months later, we pushed each other away. We scared each other so much that while there were not really any concrete problems, we created them. On the winter solstice of 2022, I was with him. I had intimacy with him, but it was something else. That night after we were together, I felt a warmth leaving my bottom and became utterly consumed with this flow of information, a heightened level of senses, and I could feel the air when there was no wind. I didn’t give much weight to it. Was this the beginning of my spiritual awakening? After all, I was unsure if I was making all this up. I realized quickly that I couldn’t solve this with him. I had to be away and process the reality of all of this.
We separated for about two months. Now I have a question in my head. Was this a twin flame separation or the end of the karmic relationship? And why did losing him feel like it wasn’t an option? Until him, while looking for what I believed was love or company, I believed I fell in love too quickly. It was true that I believed ‘this is the one” a couple of times before, and I was wrong then. Was I wrong again, or was it him? I knew my soul was searching, but I was searching too. I believed I was just a hopeless romantic and needed to rationalize my feelings. But my soul was overpowering my mind. There was something else. Something bigger than me. Something I was not able to explain yet. Something was going on, and I didn’t know what it was. But I couldn’t openly tell anyone how I felt or even explain it to myself. The more I tried to understand, the more overwhelmed I became, and my attempts to open up to my karmic partner would not go anywhere. It was me and him. We were traumatized by the perception of this world and have only had karmic partners; therefore kept doors closed. Avoiding the possible truth.
After the separation, I could feel him but couldn’t hear him. That silence was deafening. I decided that he was sent to me by the universe to unlock and heal, it was over, and I needed to move on now. It had never been hard to overcome someone and move on before him. But why was it so hard now? It must have just been limerence. I needed to fix my thoughts to fix the issue.
I was going through the most significant turmoil in my life. Why was this battle the hardest of all? I went overseas and fought in a real battle, after all! I had to forget him. I purposefully got into an interaction with another guy to forget him. I had to make sure I closed all the doors and had no face to go back to him. I did everything I could not to feel this immeasurable connection and bond. I did everything I could to ruin it so I would not return to him. That was the worst thing I have done to myself. I couldn’t accept another one. I was like a transplant patient rejecting an organ. It was just not okay. It felt wrong even though I felt no moral obligation towards my karmic partner. I had him in my soul. I couldn’t separate my soul even if I tried. Thinking about how I felt in another man's presence sickens me still.
I did everything to distract myself. I tried so hard even to hate him. But in my heart, all I really cared about; the only thing missing was him. The need to have him in my energy was making me feel so remorseful towards myself because I’m not supposed to need anyone. I should be happy just alone, right? This could become a co-dependent toxic relationship. I needed to move further and further. I burnt myself out traveling. My attempt to forget him was to stay as far away from him as possible. But why was he the only one I still longed to have these experiences with? Maybe I needed more time.
It had been about two months, and the feeling was not fading. Nothing, and nobody could replace him. Crap… Am I in deep? Thoughts were rushing through, and it felt irrational. That’s it! I spoke. I will close off my thoughts and feelings and do the right thing. I was not going to go back to him. I told him we needed to exchange personal items like keys and clothes and leave no door open.
Weeks passed by, and palo verde trees became yellow. He called me in early spring, saying he wanted to be friends and still have me around. I conditioned myself to think that our intense intimacy was the reason and he was just addicted to that. It was not me he wanted. After all, your twin flame should already feel that energy. He wasn’t it. I agreed to meet him to exchange everything and walk away. We met at a coffee shop. The moment I saw him, I was sobbing inside. But I couldn’t show. I had to have self-respect. This was one-sided. I was seeing things that weren’t there. But I couldn’t agree with myself in the end. I lost the battle. My soul won.
I was emotionally paralyzed. I just wanted him, and I figured this world’s standards still governed his perception of what I wanted from him. He didn’t know that I just wanted our souls to unite. The expectations I was taught to uphold all my life were not there anymore. I didn’t want to marry him or take away his freedom, which are concepts of this realm. These terms and misspoken words of bond and unity were obsolete. I wanted to run free with him. But I don’t think I could ever explain this to even myself. Now I can.
We had coffee. The longer I stayed there, the less power my mind had. Why was I so “emotional”? When was this delusion going to end? He prompted me to spend more time. We were so quick to be chest-to-chest naked. And I felt my soul crushing when I felt his heart in my chest after all this time. I needed more. But what was more? I didn’t know. Now I do. I wanted to open up to the spiritual realm with him. I wanted to fly away to the depths of the universe and find everything we once had. I was convinced he assumed I just wanted to cling on without reason. How would I tell him it is much more different than these simple concepts? Was it even worth it? One moment I could sense that we were on the same frequency. The next moment I was convinced I had unsolved trauma that made me see it wrong. The more I read about the human mind and soul, the worse I got. I was doing what we were supposed to do together alone, which was heavy on me. In a world where people are running from feelings and considering healing each other as “fixing somebody,” how could I tell him that our purpose was to heal each other? I didn’t say a word.
I bottled up these thoughts and emotions for a whole year. The world turned around figuratively and literally. And I was still stuck in the same place. The pain started to set in when I realized my soul was not searching anymore after all this time. It’s him. It’s always about him. Signs were getting more and more definitive. Everything was pointing at him loudly and clearly. I couldn’t deny that we were twin flames. We were together all the time. We were not able to not touch or feel each other. So why has this unspoken information crippled me? And why is it so hard to communicate this with him? It was my ego. My pride. I knew I was the chaser. But I wanted us to pursue each other instead.
From what I have gathered, I understand that a spiritual awakening is like a video game. It has levels to unlock. But I had forgotten about that. Usually, before a breakthrough, we have a turmoil. This allows us to identify and become aware of the things we had the bliss pill for. I had taken the pill of knowledge now. But I fell off the path. I even sabotaged my connection with him, trying to fight this war in my head alone. Now I am back. I just broke through the dark night after bliss.
It was 8/8/2023. I didn’t know what it was until the universe introduced me to a new level. The crippling anxiety is gone. I know exactly how things are and have some answers on what to do. He and I have a purpose of finding each other again and healing. But it is bigger than me and him. We have a greater purpose once we truly connect and heal. We are supposed to break the generational curses and negative energy consuming our collective souls. We will focus on the real picture and strip away from our worldly ambitions. Our souls are vibing at the same frequency. A lot of people are going through this in 2023. We are a part of this big collective. But not all of us are there. He is not all the way there. And my purpose is to unlock him. He is somewhat knowledgeable in the spiritual realm, but it might be intuition. He verbalized that he believed we were somewhere together at another time and in another place. But what does that mean to him?
How do I explain to him that I do not intend to “fix him” in terms of this realm and we have a higher purpose? Do I even do that, or keep waiting until his third eye is open? There is no clear guideline for this. I have no intention to push him away or overwhelm him. But I can’t give up. It is so powerful and bigger than me that I got to try. I have the uncontrollable urge to wake him up from this bliss, and I am worried that If I verbalize all this, he will run. Red pill or blue pill? Do I tell him there are two pills? I am scared that if I do, he will have my first instinct of skepticism and think I am crazy. Is it, not the right time? Or is it ever going to be the time? Will we separate for ages until he sees the universe while I am tried? The thought of that hurts my soul. As twin flames, we are x and y of the equation, and we can solve it only by having both variables. I feel that I cannot do all of this without him. So now what?